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How do you define a leader?

The term “leader” tends to get overused in my opinion. People tend to use it to describe point people on a management team or those who manage to work their way up the ranks of a business or political hierarchy. In fact, leaders can lead from the bottom up, as well as from a variety of positions on a team or in a company. Being a leader is about listening, motivating, and trying to make your work move a project or idea forward without regard to your own personal benefits. Leadership is focusing on what your team knows and not on advancing what you know so that you feel personally validated. Leadership is about recognizing the efforts of others and empowering them to stretch themselves and accomplish more than they thought possible. Leaders inspire and instill confidence. Leadership is listening, learning and then leading. Good leaders are lifetime learners, and they listen twice as much as they talk. I am quite partial to the quote, “Seek first to understand and then be understood.”

What do you want to achieve as a leader?

I want to be fulfilled by the work I do for and with others. I seek to share my story and inspire others to reach their full potential, as well as to help the community I live in and serve.

Who is or would be a good minority role model?

I hear many people say that they became successful because they worked hard. Most of the people I know work very hard, but that alone doesn’t always mean they are successful. I became successful because people helped me in areas that I was not yet effective in and because I had great mentors who helped to guide me and challenged me to grow. Many times, people gave me the benefit of the doubt that I had potential, and that inspired me to work even harder. The mentors that I had are my role models, and so now I try to pay that support forward by mentoring others as well.

What is some advice you would tell your past self?

I would tell my past self not to be afraid to ask for help, as well as to ask someone to be my mentor. I would also tell my past self to have more courage to attend events and meet as many people as I could. The more people you meet the more you learn. I wish I had taken the time to learn how others faced challenges and made a difference earlier on. It’s like the quote says, “Sometimes all it takes is 20 seconds of insane courage; one moment of embarrassing bravery.”

As I watched the woman exit the overly air conditioned lobby, I smiled politely, but on the inside I was thinking, “Man, what a waste of time.” We’ve all been there: meetings that were anything but productive with contacts we’ll probably never call again. However, rather than write off such meetings, I have tried to pay attention to some of the things I found least productive in them to ensure that I don’t go out and do them to other people.

This topic has been on my mind because I recently met with the director of outreach at an organization where I volunteer. I actually suggested the meeting because the woman with whom I met was new to the position, and I wanted to keep assisting with fundraising events. However, I knew in the first couple of minutes that the meeting was going to be a waste of my time—and it was. The end result was that I not only felt disrespected in the time and expertise I was (incidentally) giving away for free, I felt less generous about wanting to help the entire organization because they had provided a point of contact who seemed unfamiliar with the culture of business in which you dress to impress, represent the business rather than yourself, and listen before talking—three rules I try to always follow myself.

Dress like you think the other person is important

Name one time that you’ve ever heard someone say, “Wow, that guy showed up wearing a business suit. It was so disrespectful.” You’ve probably never heard someone say that because it rarely happens. The reason why it doesn’t happen is because there remains a tacit understanding in western business culture is that the suit is still king (or queen) when you want to make a strong impression. You can rage against the machine and tout the virtues of a less traditional business culture all you want, but don’t do it when you’re meeting someone for the first time. It may sound simple, but it still amazes me the number of times that people have shown up at meetings in their commuter train sandals or hipster boat shoes with no socks. Overall, it’s fairly straightforward: If someone is worth your time for a meeting then they’re worth your time dressing to let them know that.

Remember the capacity you represent to the outside world

“So, let me go ahead and tell you a little about myself,” was the first sentence the director of outreach started off with during our meeting. I wanted to be polite, but it struck me as odd. This kind of rundown is fine on a first date, but I am not dating you nor undertaking a formal job interview. Leading off by telling me about the last three jobs you had before this one is neither useful nor interesting to me. Unless the role you now fill has changed the way your organization relates to fundraising, I do not want to hear how your career changed after your divorce. In terms of such experiences, I always try to remember that I am representing a particular function or capacity within the company—not myself. When I meet new people, they want to know what my position means for them, not what my personal life looked like prior to their meeting me. Don’t mistake being friendly with being personal.

Ask

The world is made up of give-and-take. You’re going to have to give something in order to get something and vice versa. That’s not news to anyone, but for some reason, the skill of giving/getting remains elusive for some. Furthermore, there are many in the business world who often lead with explaining what they want rather than ask what you envision giving. Undoubtedly, the degree to which the ask/tell conversation transpires depends on your business and the nature of the meeting (hostile takeovers don’t want to know what you’re interested in giving them because generally you want to give them nothing), but for most meetings I try to lead by asking about their needs, and then I follow up with my own business interests. It’s almost counter-intuitive, so it takes a lot of practice, but people are more responsive when they feel that they’ve already been heard.

Overall, I summarize the three basic steps for not wasting someone else’s time as Dress—Represent—Ask. There’s nothing earth shattering about these three things really. In fact, they are remarkably straightforward in their simplicity, but you’d be surprised how often they seem to be forgotten in practice.

Leaving work the other day, I was on the phone with my wife, and I was debating whether or not to stop by an event on my way home. We both agreed that it wouldn’t hurt to show up and at least say “hello,” but then she said, “The only thing is, you could end up getting stuck and have to stay the whole time.” I said, somewhat absentmindedly, “Yah. I am not too worried about that. I can get myself out of just about any situation.” She laughed and said, “Yah, I know. I wish you’d tell the rest of us how you always manage to do that!”

After 10 years of attending events, I have found that getting out of unproductive conversations gracefully is just as important a skill getting into advantageous ones intentionally. Yet, for some reason, there’s more advice available on how to strategically plan associations than on how to exit ones that are less than useful. To be honest, the skill of a smooth exit is just something I learned because most of my past roles required me to meet people, but it took years of conscious effort to become good at it.

Of course, there’s no magic bullet for meeting people. Sometimes we all have to participate in conversations that are boring, and sometimes we all get stuck in situations where there’s nothing to do but hope for something newsworthy to happen on Twitter to pass the time. But sometimes it’s easier to leave a conversation than you think—and you don’t have to lie about going to the bar or the bathroom to do it.

This topic has been on my mind since I wrote my last post: How to Tell if Someone is worth your Time in 5 Minutes or Less. In a nutshell, the post recounted how I had the distinct misfortune of thinking less than strategically about my seat selection at a recent event, and therefore I was stuck at the same unproductive table for almost three hours. The people were nice, but the day didn’t exactly rate highly on my Yay!-o-meter. To be sure, seat-selection remorse definitely happens to the best of us, but there are some aspects of meetings and events that you always have control over.

Business is Business

The first thing is that business is business. This might sound simple, but at meetings and events it’s easy to get caught up in the pull of the human element and feel compelled to stay chatting longer than might be professionally beneficial. Admittedly, some people might be sensitive to your decision to move seats, switch tables, or swap groups, but sometimes it’s necessary. Luckily, there are ways to do it elegantly so that your day keeps flowing along without too many awkward pauses—but you have to be willing to commit to the idea that business is business; it’s not personal.

Connect Others

In my prior post, you may recall how I drew the karmic short straw at an event, and I ended up sitting next to a Chatty Cathy. A few minutes of this conversation were fine, but the in-depth history of Chatty Cathy’s family was less than thrilling by the time we’d reached World War I. With no disrespect intended, I knew that I needed to extricate myself from the conversation, but I didn’t want to be rude. (The goal is always to exit a conversation without being rude about it). I have found that the easiest way do this is to be the connection maker for others. I used this approach to link ole’ Chattypants with a new person who had just joined our table. It works easiest if you can think of an interesting anecdote or similarity that might connect the two people, but even if you don’t have that, you can still introduce them to each other. Once they begin to chat, you can then excuse yourself and leave. Not only you will be able to find a different conversation, you will be respected as someone who helps conversations move forward.

Frame Your Exit as Being Beneficial to that Person

Making introductions between people is a great exit strategy, but sometimes we all find ourselves in conversations where no one else is around. More often than not, this will be the case, and so this is where the first piece of advice really comes into play: Business is business. Your job is to make the most useful connections possible, so if nobody else is around, just pony up the truth and tell the person that you need to move on. This approach usually works best if you can do it in such a way that you frame your exit as being out of respect for the person, and possibly even to their benefit. I like to say, “I’ve really enjoyed talking to you, but there are a lot of people here and I’ve been monopolizing your time. Thank you. Hopefully we’ll cross paths again soon.” You’ve thus acknowledged that their time is valuable and your exit respects that.

Don’t Tell Little White Lies

Sometimes people will rely on excuses to exit a conversation, such as the need to refresh a drink or head to the WC. It gets you out of there, for sure, but then how do you explain why you never came back? Therefore, I am a firm believer that it only makes you look bad if you use “little white lies” as an excuse to exit a conversation. Avoid pretending that your phone is ringing; this is insincere. Also, never say that you have to go to the bathroom, as nobody needs to know that much information about you. Overall, lies are lies no matter what their color or size, and while they might make it easier for you in the 5 seconds that you are telling them, people see through them 99% of the time, and then you have succeeded in making someone feel badly. That’s not the aim in exiting any conversation. People will generally respect you more when you are straightforward and say, “It was nice to meet you. I need to try and meet some other folks while I’m here. I’ll find you on LinkedIn.” You’ve been honest, left the door open to re-connect, and you’ve succeeded in exiting the conversation respectfully.

Overall, the aim is to respect the other person by being clear, polite, and honest. People always say “lead with your best foot forward,” but I think it’s equally important to leave with your best foot as well.

It sounds awful to say—maybe even antithetical to the very principles that undergird our fine country—but sizing someone up in 5 minutes or less might just save you from being the guy (or gal) that gets stuck next to the Chatty Cathy who came to the business seminar because 100 years ago his great grand-something-or-other came from the region where you’re now doing business. So, it might not be a very nice thing to say, but at the end of the day, you only have so many 5 minute chunks to spend on people, so you better spend them wisely.

People are amazing. I mean that. Everyone brings something to the table and knows something that you don’t. But, that doesn’t mean you have to get to know them all in exactly the same way. The guy with the great grandma from the tiny village in Moldova may be great at a wedding, but when you’re at a meeting and you’ve got precisely 12 minutes of free time before the next speaker starts talking, not so much.

The topic of time wasters is fresh in my mind because I just came from an event where this very thing happened. On top of it, no one at my table was worth talking to. I don’t mean that in a “mean girls” sort of way, but in a professional capacity. Everyone at the table was worth exactly 5 minutes, but I got stuck talking to them for more than that, and therefore I never found out how all the other people at the meeting could have also helped develop my professional network as well.

In thinking back, I realize that there were some clues—big clues—that I should have heeded. You really can tell if someone is going to be worth your time in 5 minutes or less.

Here’s what happened:

When I got to the event, the room was too small. Navigation was clearly going to be an issue because the conference tables had all been placed just far enough apart to ensure that you would inevitably whack some guy in the head with your elbow as you passed by. Sensitive to the proximity of the throng, I decided to sit just down, but I selected a table a bit too hastily. At first glance, there were just enough people seated around the table so that I wouldn’t look like I was totally alone, but there were not too many so that I had to worry I’d inadvertently stolen someone else’s seat after they’d gotten up to go to the bathroom.

My table selection in that moment marked the rest of the day, and it was a poor choice. I ended up sitting with 2 interns, a silent guy, a chatty guy, the mother of the CEO, a woman from a company that had nothing to do with the conference, and an empty chair.

Where there any clues that an empty table might have ultimately been more productive? Yes. When I sat down, no one was talking to each other. That’s the surest sign of neophytes. Okay, silent pre-conference program readers can sometimes be a sign of people who are very important and have already surmised that you are not worth more than 5 minutes of their time, but at the beginning of a conference, that’s usually not the case. The important people are already engaged in conversations because other people are seeking them out. The people who sit down first are the ones who don’t have anyone to talk to. Now, with that being said, it’s okay to sometimes be in this group. You can’t know everyone, and some days you don’t feel like being social. However, on the days you want to meet people then don’t immediately associate yourself with other people who also have no one else to talk to. Maybe this advice seems counter intuitive because who better to pair up with than someone else who’s also alone, but when there are other clues present, it can end badly.

The second clue that I was seated at a non-strategic table was that no one introduced themselves to me when I sat down. Sure, maybe they’re foreign or something and they just don’t do that in wherever they’re from, but chances are good that’s a sign they’re newbies or lower-level players. Everyone wants something, so be careful of people who don’t. If they don’t want something from you, they probably aren’t going to try and help get something for you.

The table got especially unbeneficial when the Chatty Cathy appeared and asked if the chair between me and the silent guy to my right was free. Why was that weird? There were 4 other chairs open to my left. Be wary of people who put themselves in the middle. They will usually be looking for an audience, not a professional association. The other clue about Chatty Cathy was that his name tag had the city he was from on it, not a company. This I noticed after he sat down—too late—but it was a surefire clue that the topic for him was a hobby, not a business. When I asked why he was there, he revealed this very fact.

I know, I know. I can hear you saying it now: what are you going to do, tell the guy he can’t sit there? No, of course not. But, if you know the signs, you will already be thinking how to extricate yourself before the situation turns into a conversational prison about his Moldovan grandma and his once in a lifetime visit there to meet his cousins 10th removed.

When the conversation about Chatty Cathy’s recent travelogue turned really dull, I scanned the table for other options. The next options were two young women in suits. They were deathly quiet, and I suspected they were interns. I know what you’re thinking; we’ve all been interns and sometimes they really are the keeper of the keys when it comes to the professional kingdom. However, if you’re in a situation where you’re looking to start conversations, they might not be the best avenue for your time.

What was the telltale sign they were interns? Age is the easy tip-off, and, yes, they clearly didn’t know any of the high level players because they were sitting at a table by themselves, but the sign they were not a strategic investment was their notebooks. This was confirmed when, over the course of the morning, I watched them take lots of notes. They took notes even though no one else was taking notes, or even listening to the Ambassador of Kurchuzstan because he was boring. Really boring. Clearly, someone sent them to take notes. Okay, potentially they could have been journalists, or Ph.D. students working on the next great manuscript about peace in the Caucasus region, but when I asked them who they were, I had nailed it on the head: new interns in the city one week.

(Luckily, the interns were taking such good notes that they didn’t notice I wasn’t talking to them.)

Because Chatty Cathy was still yammering on about his trip, I took the presence of a woman who had just sat down as a lifeline. I introduced myself, and she gave me her business card. It had no relationship to the meeting. Major clue. Whenever anyone hands you a business card that has nothing to do with the event, pause. Sure, people do all kinds of things that don’t have anything to do with their professional lives, but you should at least be asking yourself—and maybe even them—why are you here? When I saw that clue, I at least knew better than give her my business card in return. I learned this the hard way after several prior missteps of premature business card giving during the whole “Hi-nice-to-meet-you” exchange. I no longer feel compelled to immediately give away business cards unless I am sure it’s worth it. After one event spent chatting with a nice, but unrelated-business-card attendee, I started getting coupons for hair treatments at a salon in a city 30 miles from my house. I love salons, but my reason for attending the meeting wasn’t to be put on some email marketing list.

At this point, I was tempted to do the pretend-to-go-to-the bathroom escape maneuver when the CEO came over to the table and looked at me specifically. I knew the CEO, and so it should not have surprised me when an older woman sat down to my left and the CEO introduced her to me as his mother. There was no running away now. I smiled, said hello, and dug in for the long haul. Luckily, The CEO’s mom was a pretty savvy lady and was at least entertaining to talk to. She was also just as desperate as I was not to be stuck talking to people who would put her on their mailing list or bore them with their family history. I had gotten lucky in the end, but if I’d paid attention to the clues, I would have known in the first 5 minutes that this table was not going to be worth my time.

Overall, I know that you can’t just suss people out and then throw your conference program into the air and run screaming from the table shouting, “you’re not worth more than 5 minutes of my time,” but you can be more observant about who might not be the most strategic investments of your day, and then you can begin to extricate yourself from the situation sooner rather than later—before the CEO presents you with his mother as your last best option.